OHNE TMI… Our Most Hilarious, Nightmarish, and Embarrassing Period Stories.
Periods are not often most people’s idea of fun, but they can be bloody funny. The OHNE team are getting real and sharing their most embarrassing, hilarious, or nightmarish period stories with you. Because who’s got time for period taboos? As you probably know by now, the OHNE team are definitely not shy when it comes to talking about periods, so the comparisons to murder scenes are plentiful and excessive, just as they should be.
My most memorable period was one I’d been anticipating for a bloody long time. I didn’t get my period for 11 months after I came off the pill. It came back whilst Leah and I were at a cafe working – and she got so excited that she loudly announced to the entire room that we had to stop working to go home and open a bottle of champagne to celebrate it’s return!
Emma, Marketing Intern
My worst period was one of my first and it was the heaviest period I’ve ever had. We’re talking total bloodbath. I was in secondary school, sat on my wooden chair in class, and could feel it soaking through my jeans and onto the chair. I felt like I was sat in a puddle and I had no idea what to do. Once class was over, I tried to sneakily tie my jacket round my waist and push the chair under the table without anyone noticing. I ran out to my bike without telling anyone I’d left school and cycled all the way home. Turned out my stepdad was still at home and I really, really didn’t want to explain to him why I skipped school! So I just cycled around the neighbourhood for an hour with my underwear, jeans, and now my jacket all totally soaked through. I finally got home and was able to have a shower and throw all my clothes in the bin (there was no saving them). I later had to explain to my mum (and only my mum) why she had received a phone call from school asking where the hell I’d got to!
Bella, Content Writer
When I travelled in Bolivia I went on one of the tours of the salt flats (Salar de Uyuni). This involves spending the better part of four days sitting in a jeep with five strangers and the rest of the time in shared dorms which largely didn’t have running water, electricity, or flushing toilets. There were definitely no pharmacies stocking tampons or pads in sight… So, of course, this is when my (super irregular at the time) period decides to show up. To this day, I honestly couldn’t tell you how I managed to make the five or six tampons and one pad I had floating at the bottom of my bag last the entire trip. That’s some Jesus with the bread and fish shit right there. I do remember wearing my swimming costume and every pair of pants I had in my bag to bed, though, because the thought of bleeding all over the sheets of a guest house in the middle of the freaking wilderness felt a little too much like the opening scene of a horror movie for comfort.
Monique, Web Design
I now know all about the importance of ‘period undies’, but when I was about 15, being so new to the period game, I didn’t really know what it felt like when my period was about to arrive. So, I was wearing these white cotton undies and, of course, got my period. I now had a bloodstained patch in the crotch area, so I took them off in disgust and threw them aside somewhere in my room (yeah… gross teenager antics). Anyway, some days later I had some friends over. We were sitting on the floor of my bedroom listening to music and doing the cool, edgy things teenagers do… when to my horror one of my male friends picks up my white knickers (which had somehow hidden themselves under my bed). He raises them in the air on the edge of his finger and asks ‘WHAT IS ON YOUR UNDIES?!’ Okay, a) When the fuck do they even educate boys about what a period is? b) WHYYYYYYYY?! I grabbed them out of his hand and said ‘NOTHING IT WAS JUST A JOKE’ (… wtf?) and threw them into the pile of clothes behind my door, never to speak of it again.
I think the worst place I’ve had my periods would be at church! It happened a few years ago, before I started cycle tracking. My period was slightly irregular and so I was never prepared for its arrival. So, there I am, in the middle of morning mass, and I suddenly felt that I was getting my period. I had to sit through the whole service bleeding through as my mum had no products on her, there was no store nearby, and leaving in the middle of mass is impossible! It was a nightmare – all I could do was pray that my blue jeans would hold all the blood I could feel gushing from my vagina and that no one would see the stain! I’ve never run home from mass faster.
When I was about thirteen we had school assemblies first thing in the morning where the whole school would gather to listen to the head teacher waffling on about the exciting things that were going on within the school that week…. Those of use who are older had to sit on these blue (shame they weren’t red!) plastic chairs behind the younger ones on the floor. When we all filed out of the hall at the end, to my horror I noticed that I had left a red triangular blob on my chair! The worst part is that the first years all had to stack the chairs after assembly… I just ran out to clean up in the loo and left some poor child to be confronted by my blood! I’ve never forgotten it!
Years ago I worked for an events company. We had a really important event coming up and I’d spent the week on site preparing for it. Let me set the scene: remote field, 15 minutes walk to the nearest toilet, and my 13 colleagues were all men. On one of the final setup days I got my period. Periods in my world are less a light dusting of blood and more like an absolute massacre scene. Mix that with my lack of any type of period product, stuck in a remote field, surrounded by a lot of men I barely knew, and you’ll see why this ranks among my worst period memories ever! After spending the day repeatedly walking the half an hour round trip to the nearest toilet to stuff my knickers with all the loo roll I could get my hands on, I went to the loo for the last time… Only to realise that the (inevitably utterly soaked) wad of loo roll had managed to fall out and was, presumably, lying in wait for some unsuspecting party guest to find. Don’t ask me how this happened. I have no idea.
Image cred @zinteta
Pop your email in for the latest OHNE-goings (period, sex, women & wellness)